On September 17, 2010 my husband admitted he had left me because of my illnesses. He just didn’t stick with that story for the duration of our divorce. He changed his tune when he realized he wasn’t getting much sympathy when people asked why he left me and his response was because I was ill. And he was angry with me because he wasn’t able to control me, so he began to take his anger out on me once more, just like during our marriage. More of the narcissistic personality disorder coming out to reveal itself in the lightness of day.
At least I have the conversation to prove for one slice in time why he left. However, he is a pathological liar, and I have been stirring up more evidence of his adulterous relationship as I piece together the puzzle pieces of my life. So, I am sure there was more than one reason driving him away from me despite all of my efforts to be the best wife possible to him. Still, in the end, I am so much better off to be rid of his tortuous ways. I deserve better, and he certainly doesn’t deserve me after all he has put me through. It’s just sad the way things had to be. I didn’t believe in divorce and I truly believed in love.
ME: I’m just disappointed that you saw me in a different light for so long and let it cloud the way you shared me with others.
I have always been a good, pure person and it always hurts me so when people don’t see that. This hurts me more than anything when it’s my best friend doing the tarnishing.
I’ve always been there to protect you, even when you have been hurling stones at me, and I still have to deal with the lasting effects.
HIM: I am sorry how I might have shared information. I don’t think you are being
I think that there are a lot of things you’re doing now that just two months ago you told me you could never do
ME: I disagree.
HIM: so I was being honest and fair
going to erin’s mom’s
I asked you to do that two months ago
and you told me how it killed you for a week after that
and you couldn’t do that anytime soon
and then 3 weeks later you went for the weekend
and again tomorrow
that’s all great
but it’s a 180 of where you were
So when i said you couldn’t travel
you couldn’t fly, you couldn’t drive, etc
now you can which is great but when I said you couldn’t that was correct for the time
ME: I was wasting so much of my strength and energy trying to help you to be positive. It was sucking the life out of me and I just didn’t realize it until you left me and set me free.
ME: So I am thankful that you were strong enough to move on. And I always told you that if I knew you would be happier w/o me I would let you go. You gave up on us a long time ago and I just wasn’t able to accept it. I didn’t believe in divorce, but when there is only one person fighting, there is nothing to be done. It was apparently killing me, but I cared for you so much that I would let it. But you gave me a gift in leaving and now I don’t have the negative energy around and am able to keep all the extra positive energy for myself and let myself improve. I still will never be perfectly healthy, but I am SOOOOO much better. Thank you.
ME: I do not fault you in the slightest. I know it was incredibly difficult for you to leave. I know it was horrible for you to watch me suffer and be sick. I know you felt helpless/hopeless and felt as though there was always something else going wrong. It was just too much. You disagreed with my treatment and we just didn’t see eye to eye.
ME: you went your way to cope and I just could not console you or bring you around to my way of thinking. I needed to take care of myself my way for my body for my wellbeing. I tried so hard to help you, but you wouldn’t let me. We are different people and need to do things our own individual ways.Now we can and we can both be happier and healthier. I am excited for us both.
And I will continue to say how THANKFUL I am to you for having the strength to leave.
HIM: I’m just sitting here trying to think of what the correct reponse to that is
I mean it’s good
HIM: I just don’t know what to say
ME: I just hope that you might one day agree, accept it, and we can both have
our happy, healthy lives and be great friends.
HIM: I already understand that
ME: I love you so much for being there for me for so long. I feel SO badly that
you have suffered so much, that you were dragged along for such a horriffic ride
ME: It hurts me SOOOOO much that you had to hurt for so long
I won’t ever be able to get over that
ME: It hurts me that I wasn’t able to protect you
HIM: again, thanks. This is just a bit to process
I mean they are all nice things
HIM: it’s just hard to accept that all this time
your illness was mainly because of me
ME: no, that’s not true
HIM: and now that I’m gone, you’re mostly ok
and you can take on the world
ME: I am still sick and will always be sick my battery does not hold a charge, think of it that way
ME: And I choose to give up more power to you, because I loved you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. And you were strong enough to pull away and let me have the extra power back. We didn’t realize what was going on conciously, but that’s what was going on.
ME: I am exhausted right now and in a lot of pain. But I was able to take a 30 min walk, and I will go out and meet a friend in a couple of hours. And “24” will come over later, and if I am up to it we’ll go to the shooting range tomorrow. And if I’m not, he won’t let me go.
HIM: That is all great news
I hope you are able to and have a wonderful time
ME: Thank you.
I didn’t know G’ma has been in a transition home this whole time.
HIM: I’m really sorry. I am totally ok with all of this but it’s a bit hard to take right now
I’m going to get my work done so I can go back home
thank you so much for sharing
I’m not claming up
but it’s just, I dunno, it’s pretty heavy
ME: can you at least tell me what part you aren’t swallowing?
HIM: it’s all swallowed
ME: what’s hard to take?
HIM: but the whole thanks for giving me up
which is not how you phrased it
but that whole thing is really wierd
ME: I did give you up though, because I love you so much
I always told you I would
And I HAVE moved on, no need to worry
HIM: oh I know you have
ME: But I promised, I will ALWAYS be here for you
HIM: I’m not worried about that at all
It’s just I went through so much for so many years
ME: and it hurt that you didn’t feel you could come to me
HIM: and if I had just left when I wanted to
and stopped telling myself I’d be a horrible person for leaving a sick girl
my life could have been so much better
I suffered for nothing
and I can’t take that right now
so while I’m really, really happy for you
ME: I’m sorry you didn’t trust me
HIM: it’s sorta crushing me right now
ME: it might help you in future relationships to think about why it was that you couldn’t trust me. Because I can’t imagine anybody being more open, understanding and trustworthy than myself.
and I’m not being a snot
I hear you
ME: and I’m not being mean, but you really put us both through a lot of pain
HIM: it wasn’t just me
ME: I disagree
HIM: That’s a real shame
ME: I was reacting to you
HIM: that’s fine. I understand you have come to terms and that’s how you will remember it and be able to keep going
HIM: again, not being a snot
but that’s ok
ME: I hope you can rethink whatever you think it is that I did wrong that caused you to put me through so much pain
HIM: I don’t want to go down this road right now. Enjoy your day and again, couldn’t be happier that you are free and happy to enjoy life. That means the world to me
HIM: and that’s the truth
ME: If it’s the whole BS about getting a 2nd opinion, you really need to get over that
HIM: what what?
ME: whatever you think I did wrong
HIM: oh, no, no it’s not
HIM: A marriage involves two people and you see it as one person doing everything right
and the other just checking out and being a jerk
and I don’t see it like that
but it really doesn’t matter at this point
so I shouldn’t be upset about it
We’ve moved on
ME: that may be true, but it doesn’t mean that one might not be the instigator
HIM: can we please stop
I asked nicely
I don’t need to be taught a lesson right now
ME: just because it takes 2, doesn’t mean you have real ammo that I did anything to deserve all the crap you put me through. If that’s your reasoning, …
ME: I’m not trying to teach you a lesson, I just don’t appreciate that you feel I have to be “wrong” just because I was married to you
HIM: This is why we stopped going to therapy. She told you that you had fault in this, and gave you some reasons, and you said no I don’t
HIM: I can’t change that
that’s when i knew there was no chance
ME: because that’s the typical therapeutic response. I didn’t feel like dragging you through the mud and whining about ..you did this, and that, and said this and that…nitpicking,nagging….
HIM: can we stop now
ME: I didn’t see that as helping the situation
HIM: You’re clearly upset
ME: you can stop as soon as you get over your thought that I HAD to have done something wrong to deserve the way you treated me
You can just accept that you were dealing w/ a lot of pure emotions and may have taken them out on me. I have accepted it, but I in no way, shape or form DESERVED it
ME: I did NOT do anything wrong to you
I am not saying there is a fault to our marriage not working
but I don’t want you grasping at straws and saying that I caused your treatment of me
HIM: This seems like a really weird way to talk to me
it’s not very respectful
and it’s not very friendly
A typical narcissistic personality demands respect. Yet, why would I have any respect for a person who tortured me for six years, abandoned me, showed no regard for my well-being, continually placed his own happiness and interests above mine, showed malice and contempt for the animals in our home on a daily basis, and basically was an acidic piece of trash which I had finally realized was not the same person I had married and sworn to be best friends with forever. So, of course there wasn’t any friendship there
It only made sense that he might be depressed over my long-term illness. However, I had made it my mission to try to make him smile and laugh on a daily basis. I had worked so hard towards his happiness. I had encouraged him to continue to go out with his friends, even when I was unable to go out myself. I had allowed him to spend more time playing video games than I was comfortable with in hopes that it would ease his pain and depression. I went to family members to ask if they wanted to go in with me to purchase him game systems and I encouraged him to go on trips out of town without me whenever he showed the slightest interest. I continued to write him notes, letters and give him cards to show how much I cared and loved him.
And when all else failed, I spoke to our therapist and stated I was concerned about his depression. However, he put on an act in front of her and exclaimed that he was perfectly fine and that I was the one who had issues, but he was never able to state specifically what my issues were; he was always vague and spoke in generalities. At one point, he told me that our therapist had told him that she was surprised he hadn’t cheated on me because I was so difficult to deal with. I was shocked and figured that was his response to my trying to get him assistance with his depression. So, we ceased going to therapy altogether. He turned to alcohol as his pacifist, but this only served to turn him into an angrier person. I felt as though I was dealing with a true demon serpent whenever alcohol came into the equation. He could be downright evil and would spit insults as black and vile as though I were his sworn enemy. And I did my best to choke back any emotion and not show any effect his comments had on me by refusing to respond to his taunting with anything other than love. Who knows if I was exacerbating the situation or not. I thought I was helping. If anything, I kept myself from falling apart.
I did begin to grow tired of him many times, so I would sit and write out a letter to him, but I never shared those letters to him or anybody for that matter, because I didn’t want to hurt him by coming across as attacking in pointing out the behavior in which he was treating me with. I have recently pulled out some of those letters and they all pretty much say the same thing with several different examples of how he was treating me rudely, unfairly, or being downright intolerant of me as a human being. He continued to act as though he was the only person being burdened by my illnesses and never once showed any compassion for how I might be feeling myself.
He never seemed to care that I was the one who was in excruciating pain, that I was the one who had lost my ability to communicate with the world, that I was the one who had to give up my true passion which I had dedicated my life to since I was 13 years old and I could barely manage to hold myself up erect on the couch, let alone stumble along for a stroll with my husband, who would leave me several paces ahead as though he couldn’t be burdened by my slow pace behind. And I was the one who had to suffer all of the side effects from countless medications. And I was the one who put on 60 pounds from one of those medications, which didn’t even have ANY positive benefit. And then he would comment on how fat I was and ask me if I wanted to be that way.
When I began to have gallbladder pains in May 2009 and he decided I was just having a panic attack, which I had never had before and I am NOT a high strung person in the slightest, he decided to go out drinking with his buddies and leave me all alone at home. He called after a few hours to check on me and I was on the floor in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. He ignored my symptoms and stayed out until five o’clock in the morning. And when he came home to find me still on the ground, he went to sleep in the guest room. My pains continued for two more days and I finally told him I needed to go to the hospital when he came home for lunch. He told me that I needed to follow him back to work first and then we could go to the hospital. By the time I had been sitting in the ER for 7 hours, and I was finally taken back into an exam room, the pains were so intense that I was rocking back and forth and moaning. My dear, sweet husband had the gall to tell me to, “keep it down.” I am a very peaceful person, but at that point I wanted to kick him in the gut. I was so relieved when a nurse told him to leave. He certainly wasn’t any comfort.