I Was Stalked, Cyber Bullied, and Harrassed Continuously Online

When somebody does or says something I don’t like I can typically ignore it and let it roll off my back. And the general advice for when somebody does this to you online is to block the person who is annoying you and remove yourself from the situation in which the other person is bothering you. However, this advice is not as easy as it sounds and it does nothing to discourage bullies, harassers and stalkers from continuing their inappropriate behavior towards their initial target and/or others in the future. I had people coming at me from all different directions and the local law enforcement’s attitude with respect to protection was basically unless I was actually physically harmed then they were unable to do anything or be proactive.

So, unless I were actually raped as I had been threatened, the police did not care to protect me or prevent the crime from happening. Thanks, I feel so safe living in a town surrounded by military personnel, plenty of pumped up guys who felt as though they could take whatever they wanted and they knew they were basically above the law as well. In addition, I was being harassed by my ex-husband and his new wife online and they only way I could do anything about the would be to hire an attorney with the money I didn’t have and attempt to haul my ex into court for contempt of court for interfering with my daily life.

There were three basic sources of perpetrators who were battling against me. There was my ex and his wife as I mentioned. There was a small group of women who were enamored with a guy I dated off and on and wanted me out of the picture, although they battled me individually, not as a conglomerate. And then there was the forum. A secret group of guys who for all intents and purposes gathered together online to gossip and post about their pursuits of women. And many of the women they gossiped about became targets of other forum members to pursue. They would compete against one another for bragging rights seeming to earn clout for each level of contact they were able to achieve with their subject. The main objective seemed to be to obtain seductive photos and if the girl was worthy, a date for an intimate encounter, regardless of whether that’s what she wanted/expected or not. A guy I met online via a dating website and decided I did not want to go out with as in the course of our flirting I ended up having sex with my ex-boyfriend so the online guy decided to take his vengeance out on me by sharing my photos, email address, instant message addresses and phone number with the forum. And for some reason, I became a mini-celebrity on the forum and a prime target of pursuit by the members. I was receiving hundreds of visitors on the dating websites I was on daily and dozens of messages. I was completely clueless that anything out of the ordinary was afoot. I figured that there were just that many desperate men on the internet. I didn’t know cyber-bullying existed, I had no clue that if I was being followed by so many sycophantic men who were creating incredible stories about me without having met me or even speaking to me.

There appear to be different types of cyber-bullying. Cases in which the mainstream public gets their hands on something and through a sort of peer pressure they pass the content on and dehumanize the target, removing all associations of realization how closely connected they or somebody they know could have been to the same circumstances as the content takes on a stone rolling down a mountainside sort of velocity as it gathers momentum and speed. By the time it hits a target or whatever causes it to cease movement, the damage will be colossal as was seen in this article Cyber-Bullied Girl Photo Goes Viral With Extreme Consequences. About a girl whose photo of her performing oral sex at a music concert which was spread around the internet and she was ridiculed and joked about while the guy in the photo seemingly didn’t suffer any consequence at all. She was so distraught that she had to be sedated in the hospital.

And then there are cyber-bullies who create fictitious details about the person they are harassing and spread the stories around the internet to all who will listen in hopes that others will join their crusade against their victim. Cyber Stalking Moral Crusade Victim stories are abundant on this site put together by a girl who was cyber-bullied for three years until she banded together with other victims and found her harasser and took action. She offers tips to help others avoid cyber-bullies and in fighting them if you are a target online.

And there are cyber-bullies who seem to fit a profile more like the case I dealt with online when the Forum decided to make me the object of their attention seeking games. Similar to Fraternity bonding and hazing rituals in which a bunch of immature males come together in an attempt to show sexual prowess by trying to conquer women as their playmates. Adult Woman Stalked Online profiles a story which is similar to my encounter with the Forum if you consider that I was generally dealing with one person at a time and didn’t realize that they were all connected together. These cases are characterized as a single male cyber-bully who harasses and stalks his prey as a show of sexual dominance where the intended end-game is ideally to meet his victim in person and to dominate her if things go his way.

Gender roles are still alive and strong in our society in that males continue to pursue females sexually in an almost primal way with no holds barred. And the veil of secrecy they are provided behind their computers online allows them to push the boundaries without any repercussions. Slut-Shaming in the Digital Age is a good discussion about how women are considered shameful just for engaging in sexual activities and how modern technology has had an effect on feminism. I talked with one of my harassers about how the information he apparently thought he knew about me was fictitious as he tried to figure out what was real and what was made up about me from the information he read online. But irreverently he always reverted to trying to lure me into going out with him and he claimed he would find a way to trick me into having sex with him. He was convinced that at least some of the stories he read about me on the Forum by its members were true and that I had engaged in sexual activities with some of the forum members even though I had not. Apparently I had even starred in a pornographic film with several guys at once. I stated that I would like to see the film to see how good of a match my body-double is.

One of the most disconcerting things was there were countless men who knew what I looked like and I didn’t know what most of them looked like to recognize them if I saw them in public. And I didn’t trust anybody who asked me out for a date, so my hopes of finding a real relationship were dashed into the ground as I felt incapable of screening any potential candidates for genuinely decent guys interested in getting to know me and spending time with me. I didn’t even trust my ex-boyfriend who told me he had received emails from one of my stalkers stating that I was going to end up being driven right into my stalker’s arms and that he was going to enjoy pounding me and taking advantage of me sexually. My ex wouldn’t show the emails to me though and says he deleted them. I had no way of tracking them, and I didn’t have anything to bring to the police. I only had the word of a man I really hadn’t known all that long.

And even if I had known him for long, I had been with my ex-husband for over twenty years and he had turned out to be a very awful person. What is it about me that makes these bullies like to stalk and harass me? Is it because I can be so tough and continue to fight back and I don’t let them bother me? Am I a challenge for them to conquer? I recently re-read some of the research I had come across twenty years ago when my husband, whom I was only dating at the time, told me that he was inappropriately attracted to young girls. I was trying to come to grips with dating a pedophile and I read that they don’t feel as though they are adequate sexually; they feel unable to satisfy a woman so they prefer younger girls whom they will never fail to satisfy. Later, my husband’s emotional disorders compounded with depression, alcoholism, anorexia and his general feelings of inadequacy despite my constant adulation and him surrounding himself with the type of friends who tend to look up to him and support him he seemed to develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

He did not like my strong, independent personality and it was clear that he would have been much more comfortable with a subservient wife who in addition to performing all of the traditional wifely duties such as cooking, cleaning, bearing children, etc, kept her mouth shut and backed her husband’s stories regardless of how tall the tales he spun were, and wouldn’t say anything to make her appear smarter, stronger or in any way more adept than him. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself at a comment he made to me during our separation in regards to my wearing heels, “I’d forgotten what it’s like to look a woman straight in the eyes.” I figured he was enjoying the feeling of emotional power from the girl he was dating, thirteen years his junior, having to literally look up to him. I wish he were the one who was being stalked and harassed so as to keep enough of a spotlight on him that any parents of young girls in his area think twice before allowing their children to go play with his daughter. Because he is not a good person, he was arrested for trading child pornography on the internet and I wouldn’t put it past him to spy on young girls or even to try to convince them to put on a show for him.

I wish I could warn residents of San Jose, California to check the arrest records in Virginia for their neighbors, friends, playgroups, meet-up groups, etc. Because while his daughter is only a baby now, she won’t be forever, and he will cause trouble. I knew not to have a child with him, even though I loved him so much, but his new wife was too stupid and selfish not to think seriously about his pedophilia. And his only other behavior issue was depression when he was arrested so many years ago before we married. But since then, he has changed so much and has become so calculated. But I have gotten so far off my original topic! I was just surmising if these online harassers feel somehow inadequate and in their attempts to dominate inconspicuously they feel as though they have a better chance at achieving their goal. Or, if they fail they don’t have anybody to face but themselves. Nevertheless, they are pathetic.

Freak Guy

 

A couple of years ago I met a guy online one night. Against my better judgment I shared with him my phone number when he asked if he could call to talk as he was driving home and said it would be easier/safer for him than sending messages via the dating website we had met through. (Don’t hound me for the use of the phrase “dating website”. I argue against the phrase as I believe they are perfectly fine for making friends or for those who are already in a relationship AS LONG AS both partners are ok with it.) We chatted on the phone for a little bit and then said our good nights.

I was a little annoyed to receive a jovial text from him way too early the next morning. I tried to patiently explain that sleep was important for me, I have fatigue issues, please don’t text so early. I had also tried several times to explain that texting was very difficult for me. It was literally very painful and would make me dizzy. He was a bit dense, incredibly sexual, and very persistent. I did my best to be as pleasant as possible, because that’s the way I was brought up.

The following are our word for word text conversations. I’ve prefaced his comments with “Freak Guy:”, shown them in italics and indented them whereas mine are prefaced with “Incredulous”, shown in plain type and no indent. The comments in red are simply my thought commentary and weren’t ever stated.

Freak Guy: I want to be with you! I want to get to know you and trust you and believe in you. I want us to be together
Do you? Yes or No?

{I hadn’t even met the guy, why the heck is he asking for some sort of commitment and declaring he wants to be with me already? Kind of creepy and clingy feeling. And what’s with the Yes or No stuff? That seems a bit like grade school; “Do you want to be my girlfriend, check Yes or No”.}

Incredulous: I don’t move that fast – I’d have to get to know you.

Freak Guy: Do u want to? And not anyone else?

Incredulous: Idk

{Uhm, no. You’re starting to get a bit creepy.}

Freak Guy: U have to make a choice. I dont do multiple dates. If u want to date me then date me. Other wise we can just be sexual. Fwb. Ur choice

{HA! I don’t have to make that choice, Freak! I can choose not to have anything to do with you at all!}

Incredulous: I can’t make that choice w/o having even met you. I wouldn’t date more than one guy at a time though & I don’t do just sex.

Freak Guy: Ok. Then meet me and kiss me deeply and let go. Let me make u happy

Incredulous: Time for my walk, so if I don’t respond it’s bcs my hands are full

Freak Guy: And no limits. Rules. Boundries. Let us have a clean. Open. Hot. Fun adventurous slate! Deal?

{It sounds like you are making a lot of rules.}

Incredulous: Ha ha, what if I don’t feel like kissing on a first date

Freak Guy: Baby. Please! Its a new beginning. Just let go have some real hot fun

Incredulous: What if you don’t do it for me? Remember, I’m worried @ my energy long term.

Freak Guy: Tell me about that. U can tell me any thing

Incredulous: time for walk

***
{Several days later, I still hadn’t met the Freak. I also hadn’t had any further contact with him since the above text conversation.}

Freak Guy: Have u talked to or seen ur ex

Incredulous: Yup

Freak Guy: Have sex?

Incredulous: Yup

{I had told him from the beginning that I was still hanging out with my ex and things were “complicated”. I certainly hadn’t made any sort of commitment to the Freak.}

Freak Guy: Ok. Take care. I dont deal with lying ass whore?

Incredulous: Ok

{Whatever, I hadn’t lied at all. I had been trying to convince myself that I was through with my ex but I also knew that I would have a hard time resisting temptation. I didn’t need to get into the depths of my own thoughts and decisions with a stranger though; those were my private matters, not his selfish concerns. I was very glad NOT to be meeting him and NOT to be hearing from him anymore.}

Freak Guy: Fuck off u cunt bag! Ur pics and phone number will be posted today. Good luck
See how u like that. Cunt!

Incredulous: If that’s what my honesty gets…i could have lied & said no

Freak Guy: No i meant all u had to do was say ur not interested in me! U emailed me on okcupid. Remember
Ur a fuckin joke!

{What makes me laugh the most is how often guys make comments about girls being emotional, whiny, and in other ways unable to handle themselves. Yet, it’s men whom I more often witness throwing tantrums, getting into fist fights, and being in other ways completely incapable of handling their emotions rationally and maturely. And this is just another case in point. More examples of guys gone hostile over rejection.}

Incredulous: It’s not that simple/cut & dry

Freak Guy: Yes it is. U fuck him and told me u were done with him. U told me u didnt want sex with anyone til u came back from florida. U lied all the way around. Admit it
Take responsibilty for ur life instead of using bullshit for a fuckin crutch. Ive been upfront and real with u. From day one. All i ask is u be too. U
play games

Incredulous: I failed to adequately predict the future. I don’t have any commitment to you though. I have been forthright.

{Not only do I not have any sort of commitment to him, there’s no sane reason why I should have to run any of my grown-up decisions past some stranger whom I’ve never met. Especially one who acts psychotic and jealous when I am still maintaining a physical connection with someone I just broke up with. That should signal that he needs to stand back, not get angry with me for having unfinished business to attend to.}

Freak Guy: Ur a fucking loser bitch. Do not contact me ever again. Like u would anyway

Incredulous: Ok

{He’s right about my not contacting him again. Sadly, he tried to contact me a couple of times though. He acted as though he hadn’t blown a fuse, he hadn’t shared my photos, phone number, dating profile ID and email address on a secret misogynist forum. He also acted as though he had no idea about the sort of viral attention I received in eminent proportions on that forum from salacious stalkers who in turn posted tall tales of their accounts with me. They described the supposed sexual activity I engaged in with them, and it became like a ratings and ranking game for them in which they earned clout just for having any sort of contact with me.

You can imagine the attention I received and how many guys wanted to converse with me, were trying to get me to go out with them, were attempting to deceive me, and even rape me if they were able to find a way to meet me in person. And I wasn’t even aware that this was going on for a while. I did end up meeting one in person and I did get raped. I later wasn’t able to trust anyone who contacted me on a dating site as I had no way of knowing if they were a member of the forum or not. I’ll have to write a little more about The Forum another time, but that’s most of the story.}

Freak Guy: Just wish you would have been true to your word. But im glad i hadnt met u now

{Yeah, and I wish he weren’t such a Freak. I’m so glad I never met him too. I don’t think I would have ever felt comfortable enough to want to meet him. He gave off some seriously creepy vibes pretty quickly.}

Psycho Sue

Pshcho Sue: Is HE ok?
Pshcho Sue: Are you guys together
Pshcho Sue: Just talked to him awhile ago and he was acting strange

I don’t think he is ok, but he’s saying he is great. I’m not physically with him now but we are together. I’m so confused. I swear I didn’t do anything.

Pshcho Sue: Should i try talking to him?

He talked to [his cousin]. I think just let him be. He needs rest & a break from work. & you & I have been stressing him out.

Pshcho Sue: I agree i have

It’s understandable & obvious how much you care. But you need to back off. I’m not going to hurt him.

Pshcho Sue: I wasnt trying to cause any drama

I know and he knows. I don’t think anybody has any hard feelings. Just exhaustion.

Pshcho Sue: my mother and i heading to see the show would you like to join us?

No thanks. I’m exhausted.

Please let me know how he is; I’m worried.

Pshcho Sue: He isnt answering texts or his phone, im not sure if we should go
Pshcho Sue: If you hear from let me know as well
Pshcho Sue: I hope i wasnt the one who upset him

I’d say give him space. But it’s not like you will be hanging out w/ him as he will be working.

I will let you know when I hear from him. He has been needing a vacation. You have been upsetting him, but you are not pivotal. You will be a lasting friend to him so don’t worry. He knows you care. It just hurts him when you say bad things @ me.

Pshcho Sue: I just talked to [his employee], he said he left awhile ago. Dont know where he went
Pshcho Sue: I know i think it is hard for me knowing he with someone now

I know. I’ve been trying to explain that to him. I’m sure it hurts. You prob had some hope in your heart & feel you will see/hear from him less. Not to mention losing the physical. I feel for you.

Pshcho Sue: I wouldnt be upset if you two did not work out, then maybe he and i could have a chance.

If I thought he wanted to be w/ you, I would back off in a heartbeat. All I ever want is for anybody to be happy, even if I am last.

Pshcho Sue: It is hard knowing he is with someone that doesnt have strong feelings for him, and my heart is breaking. I love the guy.

What are you talking about? I wouldn’t put myself through this emotional rollercoaster if I didn’t feel so strongly @ him.

Pshcho Sue: Im upset sorry
Pshcho Sue: Thank you for being nice to me, please just let me know if he is ok, i am a little worried

No problem. I do understand. I’m worried too. I certainly don’t know him like you do, but I think he’s acting rashly.

Pshcho Sue: He tries to hide his feelings, but he is not good at it.
Pshcho Sue: But the guy has a heart of gold

That’s for sure, on both counts.

Pshcho Sue: I know it has been hard form him with thee guy in your house. I know he is trying. Im surprised he made it this far.

Pshcho Sue: He must see something in you.

Did you see his FB post from 2 hrs ago? ‘On my way out of here’

Pshcho Sue: Yes, that was what i was talking about. He said he was leaving. When he and i last talked, he seemed upset. But acting as if he was ok

Pshcho Sue: Said he was going to a friend about a job?

He said he was leaving his job, selling his share of the company and booking a ticket to Ireland.

Pshcho Sue: I know a band offered him a job awhile back to go tour
Pshcho Sue: Dont remember which?

Pshcho Sue: I think that is what he might be talking about. We didnt talk long at all, told me he had to go.

Pshcho Sue: This was few hours ago

I just got a text from him. He said he’s @ the concert but he can’t talk now.

Pshcho Sue: Maybe he told Mat to say that to me, he didnt answer any of my texts.

He wasn’t responding to me either, but I don’t bother him during concerts. I know he is busy.

Pshcho Sue: He might be mad at me?
Pshcho Sue: I should give you two your space, i feel i might be part of the problem

I think he’s busy & stressed. I would agree w/ giving him space. But don’t think he doesn’t appreciate your friendship.

Pshcho Sue: I feel im causeing problems for you both.
Pshcho Sue: Thank you for listening to me

Relax. We both know how much you care @ him. He doesn’t realize how badly you want a relationship with him, so he hasn’t figured out that is why you are more likely to see potential problems w/ me & create turmoil. It’s human nature. I told him to be careful of your heart & watch out because you would be feeling jealous. I advised that you would subconsciously try to break us up. I told him it didn’t mean you were anything less than a wonderful person & just shows how strongly you feel for him. I understand completely & would hate to feel what you have been feeling.

Pshcho Sue: Strange
Pshcho Sue: He is dead

Huh?

Pshcho Sue: Dead

You are not making sense. I saw him 4 hrs ago. Why would you say that, w/ no elaboration @ 4
AM?

Pshcho Sue: Sorry i was drinking, dont remember
Pshcho Sue: I hope things are ok between t
Pshcho Sue: he two of you
Pshcho Sue: He doesnt like having sex with you, said you are bad in the bedroom. But you can alway work on it.
Pshcho Sue: I am more attractive then you and im better in bed, i dont get it, you are ugly. What does he see in you? Every girl he has been with is
Pshcho Sue: Very attractive then there is you. I dont know what you have or what he see’s in you.
Pshcho Sue: i hope you both are happy with each other.
Pshcho Sue: And your handicap on top of everything else, no job, no income. i cant believe he is happy with you.
Pshcho Sue: But he seems to be
Pshcho Sue: Have you even seen pics of the other girls?
Pshcho Sue: I know you will mess it up with him.
Pshcho Sue: I know you will mess it up, and i will get my chance.
Pshcho Sue: It hurts because you look like a man, maybe he is gay?
Pshcho Sue: Do you have a penis? And your hair what is up with that
Pshcho Sue: Did he take you out in public?
Pshcho Sue: Ha look who is calling me now HIM
Pshcho Sue: Sorry
Pshcho Sue: Even your name is dumb
Pshcho Sue: Did you two break up?
Pshcho Sue: He has sad videos on his wall on fb?
Pshcho Sue: Could we get together and talk?
Pshcho Sue: im not that far fromw where you live

Yes, we broke up.

Pshcho Sue: I just told your husband your living with a guy.
Pshcho Sue: I know about your affair as well
Pshcho Sue: But i will not say anything because i do not know if that was true or not. And he never said your name.
Pshcho Sue: I also let him know you send dirty pictures to a number of men. But that is all i said or plan to say. I attached the ones you sent HIM
Pshcho Sue: I should of thanked you. We made good progess last night. He and I will be together I feel. Im sorry for getting upset with you.