The Evolution of My Being

I tend to form meticulous habits, carefully constructed with purpose. I crave efficiency, harmony, maximization, aesthetics, maximum pleasure for others, minimal negative impact, and of course the highest positive impact. Of course, the variables are constantly changing depending on tasks, outside associations (people, weather, unforseen conditions…), etc. I decided today that these changes, which could be construed as putting a kind in my routine, are actually precursors to the evolution of my being.  If I were to continue ticking away like clockwork for the rest of my life, I might simply unwind as my time runs out. I think I would become bored.

I do like to believe in evolution, and I intend to be the fittest version of me, doing more than just surviving. Experiencing and then pushing my boundaries has always been what has excited me most.  And my life certainly is and has been exciting for a shy and forthright, compassionate and passionate, stalwart and stoic, nerdy geek with multiple disabilities. There are some constants, but they are not static constants. It’s as though they are changing at variable rates which can be charted, and perhaps some sort of order can be determined of them. Or, perhaps they will continue to appear random, like pi.  I think there is an order though, and a purpose, and a solvable equation.  I think in order for things to exist there is reason, and reason pertains to logic, and logic is orderly, and order is inherently mathematical.

So, as I meander through the ebb and flow of my life, I hope that for the most part my evolution is meritorious and benevolent. I am not naive enough to believe that I do not take any wrong turns. But I believe that the best lessons are learned from our mistakes.  And the more gracefully we resolve our Faux pas, the smoother we transition into the next stages of our lessons.

Freak Guy

 

A couple of years ago I met a guy online one night. Against my better judgment I shared with him my phone number when he asked if he could call to talk as he was driving home and said it would be easier/safer for him than sending messages via the dating website we had met through. (Don’t hound me for the use of the phrase “dating website”. I argue against the phrase as I believe they are perfectly fine for making friends or for those who are already in a relationship AS LONG AS both partners are ok with it.) We chatted on the phone for a little bit and then said our good nights.

I was a little annoyed to receive a jovial text from him way too early the next morning. I tried to patiently explain that sleep was important for me, I have fatigue issues, please don’t text so early. I had also tried several times to explain that texting was very difficult for me. It was literally very painful and would make me dizzy. He was a bit dense, incredibly sexual, and very persistent. I did my best to be as pleasant as possible, because that’s the way I was brought up.

The following are our word for word text conversations. I’ve prefaced his comments with “Freak Guy:”, shown them in italics and indented them whereas mine are prefaced with “Incredulous”, shown in plain type and no indent. The comments in red are simply my thought commentary and weren’t ever stated.

Freak Guy: I want to be with you! I want to get to know you and trust you and believe in you. I want us to be together
Do you? Yes or No?

{I hadn’t even met the guy, why the heck is he asking for some sort of commitment and declaring he wants to be with me already? Kind of creepy and clingy feeling. And what’s with the Yes or No stuff? That seems a bit like grade school; “Do you want to be my girlfriend, check Yes or No”.}

Incredulous: I don’t move that fast – I’d have to get to know you.

Freak Guy: Do u want to? And not anyone else?

Incredulous: Idk

{Uhm, no. You’re starting to get a bit creepy.}

Freak Guy: U have to make a choice. I dont do multiple dates. If u want to date me then date me. Other wise we can just be sexual. Fwb. Ur choice

{HA! I don’t have to make that choice, Freak! I can choose not to have anything to do with you at all!}

Incredulous: I can’t make that choice w/o having even met you. I wouldn’t date more than one guy at a time though & I don’t do just sex.

Freak Guy: Ok. Then meet me and kiss me deeply and let go. Let me make u happy

Incredulous: Time for my walk, so if I don’t respond it’s bcs my hands are full

Freak Guy: And no limits. Rules. Boundries. Let us have a clean. Open. Hot. Fun adventurous slate! Deal?

{It sounds like you are making a lot of rules.}

Incredulous: Ha ha, what if I don’t feel like kissing on a first date

Freak Guy: Baby. Please! Its a new beginning. Just let go have some real hot fun

Incredulous: What if you don’t do it for me? Remember, I’m worried @ my energy long term.

Freak Guy: Tell me about that. U can tell me any thing

Incredulous: time for walk

***
{Several days later, I still hadn’t met the Freak. I also hadn’t had any further contact with him since the above text conversation.}

Freak Guy: Have u talked to or seen ur ex

Incredulous: Yup

Freak Guy: Have sex?

Incredulous: Yup

{I had told him from the beginning that I was still hanging out with my ex and things were “complicated”. I certainly hadn’t made any sort of commitment to the Freak.}

Freak Guy: Ok. Take care. I dont deal with lying ass whore?

Incredulous: Ok

{Whatever, I hadn’t lied at all. I had been trying to convince myself that I was through with my ex but I also knew that I would have a hard time resisting temptation. I didn’t need to get into the depths of my own thoughts and decisions with a stranger though; those were my private matters, not his selfish concerns. I was very glad NOT to be meeting him and NOT to be hearing from him anymore.}

Freak Guy: Fuck off u cunt bag! Ur pics and phone number will be posted today. Good luck
See how u like that. Cunt!

Incredulous: If that’s what my honesty gets…i could have lied & said no

Freak Guy: No i meant all u had to do was say ur not interested in me! U emailed me on okcupid. Remember
Ur a fuckin joke!

{What makes me laugh the most is how often guys make comments about girls being emotional, whiny, and in other ways unable to handle themselves. Yet, it’s men whom I more often witness throwing tantrums, getting into fist fights, and being in other ways completely incapable of handling their emotions rationally and maturely. And this is just another case in point. More examples of guys gone hostile over rejection.}

Incredulous: It’s not that simple/cut & dry

Freak Guy: Yes it is. U fuck him and told me u were done with him. U told me u didnt want sex with anyone til u came back from florida. U lied all the way around. Admit it
Take responsibilty for ur life instead of using bullshit for a fuckin crutch. Ive been upfront and real with u. From day one. All i ask is u be too. U
play games

Incredulous: I failed to adequately predict the future. I don’t have any commitment to you though. I have been forthright.

{Not only do I not have any sort of commitment to him, there’s no sane reason why I should have to run any of my grown-up decisions past some stranger whom I’ve never met. Especially one who acts psychotic and jealous when I am still maintaining a physical connection with someone I just broke up with. That should signal that he needs to stand back, not get angry with me for having unfinished business to attend to.}

Freak Guy: Ur a fucking loser bitch. Do not contact me ever again. Like u would anyway

Incredulous: Ok

{He’s right about my not contacting him again. Sadly, he tried to contact me a couple of times though. He acted as though he hadn’t blown a fuse, he hadn’t shared my photos, phone number, dating profile ID and email address on a secret misogynist forum. He also acted as though he had no idea about the sort of viral attention I received in eminent proportions on that forum from salacious stalkers who in turn posted tall tales of their accounts with me. They described the supposed sexual activity I engaged in with them, and it became like a ratings and ranking game for them in which they earned clout just for having any sort of contact with me.

You can imagine the attention I received and how many guys wanted to converse with me, were trying to get me to go out with them, were attempting to deceive me, and even rape me if they were able to find a way to meet me in person. And I wasn’t even aware that this was going on for a while. I did end up meeting one in person and I did get raped. I later wasn’t able to trust anyone who contacted me on a dating site as I had no way of knowing if they were a member of the forum or not. I’ll have to write a little more about The Forum another time, but that’s most of the story.}

Freak Guy: Just wish you would have been true to your word. But im glad i hadnt met u now

{Yeah, and I wish he weren’t such a Freak. I’m so glad I never met him too. I don’t think I would have ever felt comfortable enough to want to meet him. He gave off some seriously creepy vibes pretty quickly.}

Psycho Sue

Pshcho Sue: Is HE ok?
Pshcho Sue: Are you guys together
Pshcho Sue: Just talked to him awhile ago and he was acting strange

I don’t think he is ok, but he’s saying he is great. I’m not physically with him now but we are together. I’m so confused. I swear I didn’t do anything.

Pshcho Sue: Should i try talking to him?

He talked to [his cousin]. I think just let him be. He needs rest & a break from work. & you & I have been stressing him out.

Pshcho Sue: I agree i have

It’s understandable & obvious how much you care. But you need to back off. I’m not going to hurt him.

Pshcho Sue: I wasnt trying to cause any drama

I know and he knows. I don’t think anybody has any hard feelings. Just exhaustion.

Pshcho Sue: my mother and i heading to see the show would you like to join us?

No thanks. I’m exhausted.

Please let me know how he is; I’m worried.

Pshcho Sue: He isnt answering texts or his phone, im not sure if we should go
Pshcho Sue: If you hear from let me know as well
Pshcho Sue: I hope i wasnt the one who upset him

I’d say give him space. But it’s not like you will be hanging out w/ him as he will be working.

I will let you know when I hear from him. He has been needing a vacation. You have been upsetting him, but you are not pivotal. You will be a lasting friend to him so don’t worry. He knows you care. It just hurts him when you say bad things @ me.

Pshcho Sue: I just talked to [his employee], he said he left awhile ago. Dont know where he went
Pshcho Sue: I know i think it is hard for me knowing he with someone now

I know. I’ve been trying to explain that to him. I’m sure it hurts. You prob had some hope in your heart & feel you will see/hear from him less. Not to mention losing the physical. I feel for you.

Pshcho Sue: I wouldnt be upset if you two did not work out, then maybe he and i could have a chance.

If I thought he wanted to be w/ you, I would back off in a heartbeat. All I ever want is for anybody to be happy, even if I am last.

Pshcho Sue: It is hard knowing he is with someone that doesnt have strong feelings for him, and my heart is breaking. I love the guy.

What are you talking about? I wouldn’t put myself through this emotional rollercoaster if I didn’t feel so strongly @ him.

Pshcho Sue: Im upset sorry
Pshcho Sue: Thank you for being nice to me, please just let me know if he is ok, i am a little worried

No problem. I do understand. I’m worried too. I certainly don’t know him like you do, but I think he’s acting rashly.

Pshcho Sue: He tries to hide his feelings, but he is not good at it.
Pshcho Sue: But the guy has a heart of gold

That’s for sure, on both counts.

Pshcho Sue: I know it has been hard form him with thee guy in your house. I know he is trying. Im surprised he made it this far.

Pshcho Sue: He must see something in you.

Did you see his FB post from 2 hrs ago? ‘On my way out of here’

Pshcho Sue: Yes, that was what i was talking about. He said he was leaving. When he and i last talked, he seemed upset. But acting as if he was ok

Pshcho Sue: Said he was going to a friend about a job?

He said he was leaving his job, selling his share of the company and booking a ticket to Ireland.

Pshcho Sue: I know a band offered him a job awhile back to go tour
Pshcho Sue: Dont remember which?

Pshcho Sue: I think that is what he might be talking about. We didnt talk long at all, told me he had to go.

Pshcho Sue: This was few hours ago

I just got a text from him. He said he’s @ the concert but he can’t talk now.

Pshcho Sue: Maybe he told Mat to say that to me, he didnt answer any of my texts.

He wasn’t responding to me either, but I don’t bother him during concerts. I know he is busy.

Pshcho Sue: He might be mad at me?
Pshcho Sue: I should give you two your space, i feel i might be part of the problem

I think he’s busy & stressed. I would agree w/ giving him space. But don’t think he doesn’t appreciate your friendship.

Pshcho Sue: I feel im causeing problems for you both.
Pshcho Sue: Thank you for listening to me

Relax. We both know how much you care @ him. He doesn’t realize how badly you want a relationship with him, so he hasn’t figured out that is why you are more likely to see potential problems w/ me & create turmoil. It’s human nature. I told him to be careful of your heart & watch out because you would be feeling jealous. I advised that you would subconsciously try to break us up. I told him it didn’t mean you were anything less than a wonderful person & just shows how strongly you feel for him. I understand completely & would hate to feel what you have been feeling.

Pshcho Sue: Strange
Pshcho Sue: He is dead

Huh?

Pshcho Sue: Dead

You are not making sense. I saw him 4 hrs ago. Why would you say that, w/ no elaboration @ 4
AM?

Pshcho Sue: Sorry i was drinking, dont remember
Pshcho Sue: I hope things are ok between t
Pshcho Sue: he two of you
Pshcho Sue: He doesnt like having sex with you, said you are bad in the bedroom. But you can alway work on it.
Pshcho Sue: I am more attractive then you and im better in bed, i dont get it, you are ugly. What does he see in you? Every girl he has been with is
Pshcho Sue: Very attractive then there is you. I dont know what you have or what he see’s in you.
Pshcho Sue: i hope you both are happy with each other.
Pshcho Sue: And your handicap on top of everything else, no job, no income. i cant believe he is happy with you.
Pshcho Sue: But he seems to be
Pshcho Sue: Have you even seen pics of the other girls?
Pshcho Sue: I know you will mess it up with him.
Pshcho Sue: I know you will mess it up, and i will get my chance.
Pshcho Sue: It hurts because you look like a man, maybe he is gay?
Pshcho Sue: Do you have a penis? And your hair what is up with that
Pshcho Sue: Did he take you out in public?
Pshcho Sue: Ha look who is calling me now HIM
Pshcho Sue: Sorry
Pshcho Sue: Even your name is dumb
Pshcho Sue: Did you two break up?
Pshcho Sue: He has sad videos on his wall on fb?
Pshcho Sue: Could we get together and talk?
Pshcho Sue: im not that far fromw where you live

Yes, we broke up.

Pshcho Sue: I just told your husband your living with a guy.
Pshcho Sue: I know about your affair as well
Pshcho Sue: But i will not say anything because i do not know if that was true or not. And he never said your name.
Pshcho Sue: I also let him know you send dirty pictures to a number of men. But that is all i said or plan to say. I attached the ones you sent HIM
Pshcho Sue: I should of thanked you. We made good progess last night. He and I will be together I feel. Im sorry for getting upset with you.