Why Not to Say Hi On OKCupid

Did you know that OKCupid has a filter which allow users to filter out messages which don’t meet their criteria?
I could choose to have any messages which are fewer than five (or what ever number I choose) words get filtered out so that I wouldn’t ever receive them. I could also enter specific keywords or phrases which I don’t want to receive, so if anyone were to use text speak or call me “babe” or use any number of sexual words I could have those messages filtered out and they would never hit my inbox.

So many women do not want to respond to messages of, “Hi, how are you?”, “What’s up?”, “How’s it going”, “What are you up to tonight?”, “You’re beautiful”, etc. There are a number of reasons for this. Many men think that they are just starting a conversation and that it’s easy for the woman to just respond to their innocuous message. However, it’s not as simple as they think.

First of all, the short message isn’t even a message. At least it’s slightly better than, “Hi” and does include a question, “How are you?”. However, this question has become so cliche that it hardly ever is even a reflection of truth anymore. It’s not possible to tell if the asker truly wants to know how the person is feeling. So when giving a response, one doesn’t know whether to give a polite, “I’m fine” or give a more in-depth but accurate and truthful response as to how one is really feeling, which might not come across so well.

But the reason I say it isn’t even a message is because there’s no meat to it. There isn’t any real conversation starter, it doesn’t provide any information about you or your interests nor does it give me anything to actually respond to. It’s essentially leaving the burden of starting a conversation squarely in my lap IF there is going to be any conversation started at this point.

I also understand that many men will send this sort of short message as a feeler to see if they get any response. However, this is a very bad idea because often times this sort of message is exactly the sort of thing which convinces women not to respond. One reason is that women get so many messages that at some point it becomes necessary to start deciding which ones to respond to and which to ignore. Even for those who think that they would/could/should respond to every single message, they reach a point where they realize that it’s not feasible. How bad could it be? One message, one response. Even one hundred messages, if the response is just, “No thanks” or “Fine, thank you.” It surely can’t be all that bad, could it?

But nobody leaves that single response alone, and those one hundred messages become two hundred messages as they write back and ask, “Why?”. And then two hundred becomes three hundred, and the count continues on. And worse yet, more often than not, the tone becomes hostile very quickly as many people haven’t learned how to accept rejection and they instead try to deflect it, and now a mini war has erupted just from saying, “No thank you.” Women are told that they haven’t given suitors a chance, all the way to being called the c-word with lots and lots of additional verbiage thrown in there as if to give the cursing enough padding to stay afloat longer. Examples of melt-down messages from men in the online dating world.  And if they’re really unlucky their profile is shared on some loser forum so that streams of other loser guys can come and harass them and treat them like an object, making it that much more fun to be online in the first place.

So, this just gives women even more resolve to want to weed out the simple messages which don’t actually say anything. They want proof that the person they are receiving communication from is actually somebody who does take them seriously as a person of substance. They want somebody who can communicate effectively. And they dream of somebody who can actually read their profile and understand what they are looking for and respond to them effectively with something which shows that the person did read their profile, is interested in them for more than just their pictures and their bodies, and who is serious and committed to putting an effort into any relationship enough to put some thought into what they say to her in their first correspondence to her. Is it really too much to ask for that a potential match be capable of reading, writing and carrying on a conversation? Women want to date a civilized human man, not an imbecile orangutan (no offense to actual primates as I think they are better behaved than today’s single male population).

If you were preparing for a job interview, would you put more effort into constructing your resume, putting together a cover letter, preparing for an interview, and put your best effort into presenting yourself as best you can? I would expect the answer to be that you would. Then if you would do this for a job, which is what you spend approximately 1/3 of your life and waking hours involved in, then why wouldn’t you do the same for someone whom you would be presumably spending the rest of your life with the majority of the time you are away from work, which is more time than you actually spend working? I do understand that not everyone is searching for a life partner, but many people are at least searching for a deeply fulfilling relationship to last several years. Which is again quite similar to a career. So once again, I find that the level of seriousness should be equivalent to that given to pursuing a job.

It should be taken very seriously, and people should try very hard to ensure that they have their bases covered lest someone else get the position instead of them. Yet the majority of men behave like jackasses or at best they put minimal effort into making an impression. I’m not saying to embellish or act in ways which are outside of one’s personality. But for gosh sakes, be polite, if you do actually get to meet in person, actually take her on a date, a real, good old-fashioned date so you can spend some quality time with one another getting to know one another better. And don’t push getting physical. But I’m getting off track.

Lastly, so few men know exactly what women are exposed to on a regular basis while on the internet, and why they become so jaded so easily. Imagine if you were bullied, berated, tormented and abused so repeatedly and thoroughly how it might affect your desire to participate in any activity. Most people develop a bitter attitude after dealing with this sort of behavior before long, and most people collapse under the pressure and simply cannot handle it. That’s one reason you won’t see many women’s profiles remain online for any duration of time.  Here are a couple of perspectives of what it’s like for women on the internet, especially on dating sites:

Incognito male on OKCupid realizes it’s not so neat-o to be a female in the dating world

Law enforcement authorities are useless in providing protection or enforcing protection laws associated with internet abuse crimes

Just some food for thought for you.

Freak Guy

 

A couple of years ago I met a guy online one night. Against my better judgment I shared with him my phone number when he asked if he could call to talk as he was driving home and said it would be easier/safer for him than sending messages via the dating website we had met through. (Don’t hound me for the use of the phrase “dating website”. I argue against the phrase as I believe they are perfectly fine for making friends or for those who are already in a relationship AS LONG AS both partners are ok with it.) We chatted on the phone for a little bit and then said our good nights.

I was a little annoyed to receive a jovial text from him way too early the next morning. I tried to patiently explain that sleep was important for me, I have fatigue issues, please don’t text so early. I had also tried several times to explain that texting was very difficult for me. It was literally very painful and would make me dizzy. He was a bit dense, incredibly sexual, and very persistent. I did my best to be as pleasant as possible, because that’s the way I was brought up.

The following are our word for word text conversations. I’ve prefaced his comments with “Freak Guy:”, shown them in italics and indented them whereas mine are prefaced with “Incredulous”, shown in plain type and no indent. The comments in red are simply my thought commentary and weren’t ever stated.

Freak Guy: I want to be with you! I want to get to know you and trust you and believe in you. I want us to be together
Do you? Yes or No?

{I hadn’t even met the guy, why the heck is he asking for some sort of commitment and declaring he wants to be with me already? Kind of creepy and clingy feeling. And what’s with the Yes or No stuff? That seems a bit like grade school; “Do you want to be my girlfriend, check Yes or No”.}

Incredulous: I don’t move that fast – I’d have to get to know you.

Freak Guy: Do u want to? And not anyone else?

Incredulous: Idk

{Uhm, no. You’re starting to get a bit creepy.}

Freak Guy: U have to make a choice. I dont do multiple dates. If u want to date me then date me. Other wise we can just be sexual. Fwb. Ur choice

{HA! I don’t have to make that choice, Freak! I can choose not to have anything to do with you at all!}

Incredulous: I can’t make that choice w/o having even met you. I wouldn’t date more than one guy at a time though & I don’t do just sex.

Freak Guy: Ok. Then meet me and kiss me deeply and let go. Let me make u happy

Incredulous: Time for my walk, so if I don’t respond it’s bcs my hands are full

Freak Guy: And no limits. Rules. Boundries. Let us have a clean. Open. Hot. Fun adventurous slate! Deal?

{It sounds like you are making a lot of rules.}

Incredulous: Ha ha, what if I don’t feel like kissing on a first date

Freak Guy: Baby. Please! Its a new beginning. Just let go have some real hot fun

Incredulous: What if you don’t do it for me? Remember, I’m worried @ my energy long term.

Freak Guy: Tell me about that. U can tell me any thing

Incredulous: time for walk

***
{Several days later, I still hadn’t met the Freak. I also hadn’t had any further contact with him since the above text conversation.}

Freak Guy: Have u talked to or seen ur ex

Incredulous: Yup

Freak Guy: Have sex?

Incredulous: Yup

{I had told him from the beginning that I was still hanging out with my ex and things were “complicated”. I certainly hadn’t made any sort of commitment to the Freak.}

Freak Guy: Ok. Take care. I dont deal with lying ass whore?

Incredulous: Ok

{Whatever, I hadn’t lied at all. I had been trying to convince myself that I was through with my ex but I also knew that I would have a hard time resisting temptation. I didn’t need to get into the depths of my own thoughts and decisions with a stranger though; those were my private matters, not his selfish concerns. I was very glad NOT to be meeting him and NOT to be hearing from him anymore.}

Freak Guy: Fuck off u cunt bag! Ur pics and phone number will be posted today. Good luck
See how u like that. Cunt!

Incredulous: If that’s what my honesty gets…i could have lied & said no

Freak Guy: No i meant all u had to do was say ur not interested in me! U emailed me on okcupid. Remember
Ur a fuckin joke!

{What makes me laugh the most is how often guys make comments about girls being emotional, whiny, and in other ways unable to handle themselves. Yet, it’s men whom I more often witness throwing tantrums, getting into fist fights, and being in other ways completely incapable of handling their emotions rationally and maturely. And this is just another case in point. More examples of guys gone hostile over rejection.}

Incredulous: It’s not that simple/cut & dry

Freak Guy: Yes it is. U fuck him and told me u were done with him. U told me u didnt want sex with anyone til u came back from florida. U lied all the way around. Admit it
Take responsibilty for ur life instead of using bullshit for a fuckin crutch. Ive been upfront and real with u. From day one. All i ask is u be too. U
play games

Incredulous: I failed to adequately predict the future. I don’t have any commitment to you though. I have been forthright.

{Not only do I not have any sort of commitment to him, there’s no sane reason why I should have to run any of my grown-up decisions past some stranger whom I’ve never met. Especially one who acts psychotic and jealous when I am still maintaining a physical connection with someone I just broke up with. That should signal that he needs to stand back, not get angry with me for having unfinished business to attend to.}

Freak Guy: Ur a fucking loser bitch. Do not contact me ever again. Like u would anyway

Incredulous: Ok

{He’s right about my not contacting him again. Sadly, he tried to contact me a couple of times though. He acted as though he hadn’t blown a fuse, he hadn’t shared my photos, phone number, dating profile ID and email address on a secret misogynist forum. He also acted as though he had no idea about the sort of viral attention I received in eminent proportions on that forum from salacious stalkers who in turn posted tall tales of their accounts with me. They described the supposed sexual activity I engaged in with them, and it became like a ratings and ranking game for them in which they earned clout just for having any sort of contact with me.

You can imagine the attention I received and how many guys wanted to converse with me, were trying to get me to go out with them, were attempting to deceive me, and even rape me if they were able to find a way to meet me in person. And I wasn’t even aware that this was going on for a while. I did end up meeting one in person and I did get raped. I later wasn’t able to trust anyone who contacted me on a dating site as I had no way of knowing if they were a member of the forum or not. I’ll have to write a little more about The Forum another time, but that’s most of the story.}

Freak Guy: Just wish you would have been true to your word. But im glad i hadnt met u now

{Yeah, and I wish he weren’t such a Freak. I’m so glad I never met him too. I don’t think I would have ever felt comfortable enough to want to meet him. He gave off some seriously creepy vibes pretty quickly.}